Friend, Interrupted

Ok. I have to admit, I'm not great at parties, I don't do well in crowds. I'm especially nervous for this party I'm going to tonight because I'm going to see my friend C. who I haven't seen since I had my son. You see, I met C. in my prenatal yoga class and while I had a healthy baby boy, hers died in childbirth. We had hopes that our babies would play together, we talked about their activities in our bellies, we became fast friends. I looked forward to yoga, just to have our chat on our walk home. Six days after I had Alex, she gave birth to August. I haven't heard the details of what happened and I'm not the type to pry. I have a lot of survivor's guilt, having an emergency C-section I felt it could have easily been me. She was a doula, and had a home birth. Something went wrong and she lost her baby.

I've been friends with her for about a year now, but haven't seen her in nine months. At first she said she would be ok seeing Alex but she quickly changed her mind. Understandably of course.

Now, my question is what do I say to her when I see her? Just this week she got the autopsy report and her son's ashes, and had a miscarriage. How do I talk to her without bawling my eyes out?

I know I'm being irrational and I'm worried she's going to find out about my post partum depression. I feel like I shouldn't be depressed, I don't have the right to be. It's silly I know. I just keep thinking she's going to look right through me and figure it out.

She's moving away and I think this will be the last time I see her. It's a shame, it's been a long time since I clicked with someone like I did with her.

This is a photo that was taken for the yoga instructor's website. C. amazed me with her flexibility. My giant belly was only 3 weeks ahead of hers. I love this photo of us, because I felt strong and capable like her. It's also the only reminder I have of August. I made a promise to her that he would not be forgotten.